Lately, as I'm sure everyone does, I have been harboring a lot of anxiety regarding my future. I look at the people around me and all I can think about is if they feel secure in their life plans, where they are getting internships, if they too have homework they are procrastinating on. And most of the time the answer my brain tells me is "of course they don't. I am surely the only one."
While I do believe myself to be a rational person, and I can tell myself all I want that this is not true, it still doesn't feel like the case. It is so easy to look in the mirror and see a person with vague ambitions, vague goals, no real talents or hobbies. When thoughts like this overwhelm me I spiral and I become dramatic. “I will never get a job, no one will ever hire me, I am never going to be the best candidate for anything.”
For that moment, I let slip away every aspect of who I am because all I can do is hold my individuality in comparison. As they say: competition is the thief of creativity. I forget that I do, in fact, have redeemable qualities that make me worthy of love, respect and validation. I love to cook, I am the first person my loved ones go to for advice, I adore reading and the way that words work and so much more. I am just struggling so much in getting to the point where it feels like I can take ownership of these things.
I am a journalism major with an English minor, so I am surrounded by some of the most well-spoken and creative people I have ever met in my entire life. I entered this field of study and immediately became the victim of imposter syndrome. Even with something that is supposed to be enjoyable, like writing for this blog. I was so overwhelmed by the fact that everyone that is reading my work or also submitting blogs is so much more talented and driven than I am and I have absolutely no right to even intrude on a project like that. I look at people my age who have these incredible portfolios and experiences and these lives that look just so put together. They must know exactly what job they want and wherever they apply is bound to hire them on the spot. I find myself wanting to imitate who they are; if I could mold myself into their form I will be able to advertise myself as valuable.
I’m very quick to blame my anxieties on the fact that I've always had issues with control. My planner never leaves me. She is color-coded. I love her very much. Upon changing my major late in the game to something that requires such a personal touch, I was overwhelmed with uncertainty. This obviously aggravated my need to be in control and feel like I am ahead of the game. For the first time in my life, I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I am in this weird in-between place where I know where I want to end up but have no idea how to get there.
By writing this, I truly just wanted to present my thoughts in a raw way I feel like a lot of other students especially will be able to resonate with. We are all so caught up in what we should be doing and who we should be becoming that we end up putting these potential versions of ourselves up on a pedestal only to disregard the unique person we are right now. I think the in-between time is so special. There are so many different directions that your life can go between now and Monday. Uncertainty is a signifier of possibility.