Finding Comfort In Your Now

Rather than wasting your time with some verbose intro, allow me to get immediately into it: I am not particularly good with change. With change, I am nothing more than a baby drifting through a violent ocean, being whipped by the waves into rocks that smash the wooden vessel that carries me into shards, much like Moses in the Nile, however that story goes.

Photo by Atticus Brown

Beginning college, I anticipated change. I knew I would experience it, I knew that my high school life would be different from what would soon become my college life, but to what extent? I had no idea.

In terms of class work, college hasn't gone easy on me, but it isn't so laborious that it consumes all of my time and energy. What changed more, which in hindsight I should’ve expected, was my friends now being dispersed across the country at their respective colleges. Of course, I still have a few friends here, who I am extremely thankful for, but without the group, things are different, not better or worse, but different nonetheless.

What also made the transition harder was that my senior year of high school was a very momentous year of my life. The first two years of high school I don't remember vividly, but during junior year, I began to gain traction and enjoy my experience. I had matured and grown wiser, my interests becoming more focused than the mere seedlings they were previously. However, I was not quite at a level that was something to write home about. This, of course, changed with senior year.

This was the year I began to hit my stride. I had a band, I was in a relationship, I was in interesting classes, I knew a lot of my graduating class and I was able to appreciate the friendships I had made on a deeper level. Friends I knew I would be separated from by the end of the year as we graduated and went off to grow into fuller versions of ourselves. When this foreseen conclusion had been reached, after the joys of summer, the concerts, the road trips and the get-togethers had ended, it all changed, immediately.

With this, I knew I was going to focus on school. I have never felt more motivated in my life to succeed academically. I have goals to reach and I know what I must do to make them come to fruition. The problem with college life in the beginning was not the classwork, it was the fact that I had no one that could compare to the fleet of my friends from high school. Now, I am no introvert, but I could not seem to find many people on the same wavelength as me. I was not in a dorm and I did not go to campus outside of class, but I did know I wanted to get involved wherever I could, and so I did. I took up a modeling gig, I joined the radio station and now I have added blog writing to my repertoire.

Every few months I think about how much I have changed, and it’s not always a night and day difference, but it certainly is always there. I have grown and that is the goal of change. Change is one of the inevitables in our lives. Ironically enough, it will never change that we have constant change in our lives, we change slowly every day we wake up, although it may not feel like it.

Change makes me feel antsy. I start to look for alternative routes to ease my discomfort, but what helps me combat this is trying my hardest to stay grounded in my now while setting goals and doing things I enjoy. Change does not have to be seen as some daunting force.

Instead of trying to rush out of Lexington, I have become content being here and seeing what Lexington has to offer. I have my spots that I frequent that I rely on to keep me steady; my go-to theater, the Kentucky Theatre, my go-to cafe, Third Street Coffee, my go-to for trinkets, Sqecial and my go-to for CDs, CD Central. I also realized I need to do more of what made me happy in high school, playing the drums and making movies, so I will do just that.

Perhaps there is solace in giving yourself up to change. Accept that it will come and let it happen. Let it wash over you and inundate you. Let it shake you and you will be born again day in and day out. You’re gonna be okay kid.